Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What the Fuck George Romero?

What the fuck? Seriously. Diary of the Dead?  Survival of the Dead?  Is this what you have become?  One of the most prolific horror directors ever and you have become no better then the asshat's that make those SYFY movies.

I remembered being absolutely terrified by the original Dead movies, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead.  The atmosphere and hopeless that they conveyed were truly frightening.  The last two were so far from the originals that I had to actually double check that Romero made them.  Sadly, he did.  You go from the hopelessness of the original three, with truly brutal zombies, to campy and silly stories and kills in the last two.  A zombie is killed by having a fire extinguisher fired into it's mouth, for fuck's sake!

What the hell happened to Romero, to make him think that those two abominations could be considered good?  Was he accosted by the above mentioned SYFY movie makers?  Did he tire of being the go-to name in zombie flicks, and as such create them to tarnish his on image?  Was he paid an obscene amount of money to just shovel out some absolute crap?  My money is on the latter.

Now, I don't claim to be an expert in films.  Nor do I claim to be even mildly educated in the matter. I am not.  But I know a good zombie flick when I see one.  The last two Dead films have given me a whole new perspective on the man I always thought to be a genius in the genre.  He's a whore, nothing more, nothing less.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Review: The Haunting of Molly Hartley

As this is my first foray into movie review, I will try my very bestest to not get distracted. Ahem as the title suggests I watch "The Haunting of Molly Hartley", now I am not saying it is a bad movie(well, not yet at least) but good isn't a word I would use either.

It starts out with an aerial shot of some wooded area, no doubt something suspenseful is about to happen. Nope, trees for about 2 and a half minutes (well, I am not near drunk enough for these levels of evil and suspense). Wait, what's that? I believe it is an ewok.....wait no it is a girl, wandering alone in the forest(no good can come of this) she meanders smiling, giggling hearing whispered voices calling her name from the trees. Yep disembodied voices, seems perfectly all right to me. She gets to a cabin where she is accosted by...... her very effeminate boyfriend. Kiss, hug Hey early birthday, pretty shiny, kissy, kissy. Then her creepy dad barges in (why he didn't nab her when she was alone, I'll never know). He is crazy and mumbly and takes her away in his truck. They speed away, he continues to mumble as the truck picks up speed , she screams, terror ensues ( this is too much I need more beer). Oh they miss the barn but get T-boned by a diesel. The truck lays sideways, she is crying, he continues to mumble. He grabs a broken piece of mirror, she screams then the title pops up.

We are introduced to the protagonist(wait I thought the other girl was the.....No shut up she isn't) we will call her Clueless McUnobservant. She is any unassuming girl who I believe was mauled by a bear at a very young age, her face is quite unfortunate. Apparently her mom went a little crazy and stabbed her(see above, mumbles). Anyways she goes to school we meet the requisite hot guy, bitchy popular girl, badass girl(with a heart of gold) and meek overtly religious nut ball. School, talking, Oh Clueless has a nose bleed. Bathroom, voices whispering her name(Hey I am sensing a pattern here). Other things unimportant to the plot occur. She has a tumor (hey that's why she bleeds and hears voices, everything is going to be alright) She goes to a party at hot guys house, Badass girl drives her. She flirts with hot guy, dances like a tramp, kissy, kissy. Oh, bitchy girl is there trys to fight our hero Clueless. Some how Clueless is possessed of superior fighting skill, and she breaks bitchy's arm. Sad tells Badass she wants to leave. Of course badass says no, so Clueless walks. She is accosted by the hallucination of her mother(wait I thought she got rid of those when the tumor was removed. Shut up just follow along). School, she comes home and her mom is there, she has broken out of the mental hospital. Her mom proceeds to tell her that when she was born her parents made a deal with someone they had never met to save her life. When she turns 18 she belongs to the forces of evil(Wait where did they come from did I miss something. No they waited until 25 minutes before the end to explain the plot. Oh) Her mom once again attempts to finish the job, but is thrown off the banister and stabs her self.

Now, at this point in the film you may be asking your self,"Did this make sense to the people making it?" To answer your question, probably not, I believe they were very, very stoned.

Clueless knocks out her dad and runs through town like a maniac. She finds Religious nutball and begs to be saved. Nutball takes her into the church and starts to baptise her( I thought only ordained priests and ministers could baptise. Would you shut up and attempt to enjoy this plotless mess.) But as it turns out Nutball's grandma let Clueless' mom out to get her. Nutball trys to kill her, struggle, nutball hits her head. Clueless runs and leaves nutball to drown.

She comes across hot guy they drive to his house. Apparently, he has a lot of money they could use to run away somewhere.(If this doesn't scream daterape I don't know what does). She goes looking for him. He has a suprise he is one of the forces of darkness( Uh, just go with it) so is the school counselor. They bring her dad in and say the only way to stop it is to kill him (Uh, yeah I got nothing) She repeatedly stabs herself in the chest(neat trick), trying to kill her self. Fade out.

Fade in. A mental institution, oh look there' s her dad, all crazy in the room. She abandons him there and goes to her graduation where she is valedictorian(What? Shut up.) Then she gets into a limo with hot guy.

What the Fuck was that? If I had paid money to see it I would have been pissed. The plot, what little there was, was all over the damn place. Plus it had the added little snippet the Bitchy popular girl is played by that girl that looks like she was bludgeoned with a mallet from 90210. So I give a great big WTF.

Friday, October 2, 2009

So this is blogging

I had an idea in my head that it was something completely different. Something like a bunch of fat kids sitting around in the basement bitching about BSG. But, I digress, back to the matter at hand. So with a fist full of condoms and a ten year old bag of Big League Chew I begin my foray into the world of blogging. I will probably be posting reviews of whatever the hell I feel like reviewing and anything else that pops into my noggin. If you have a problem or are offended by anything I post, please let me know. I will pretend to care for at least thirty seconds. So until I have a brain fart and decide to do more you all can go smurf yourselves.